The 5 Stages of Walking Out of Class

Toward the beginning of cAveMan20 is typing . . . , the character Wes narrates the "Five Stages of Walking Out of Class."

We feel that this is a big issue on college campuses across America, and here we present you with a more in-depth, scientific look at this curious occurence.

Stage One: Feelings of Uneasiness

In this stage, the possibility of walking out is not yet present in the student's mind. There is, instead, a lingering feeling of negativity regarding the class, mostly attributed to the boringness of the subject matter. Some common traits of this stage: the student may feel tired and question his ability to stay awake for the whole duration of class; he may, if he has a laptop on him, be checking facebook and myspace every two seconds for the sake of taking his mind of the professor's mindless chatter; and he may find himself thinking the timeless thought, "I'm never going to need this knowledge in my entire life." Be it the solar system, Thomas Jefferson, Pavlov's dogs or proper uses of the comma, the student is growing increasingly aware of his own hostility toward the class and, in particularly, the professor.

Stage Two: A Flicker of Hope

This is when the idea of walking out first enters the student's head. The first reaction is usually to laugh it off, saying, "Nah, I'd never be able to do that." This is the shortest stage, and is usually marked by nothing more than a very slight widening of the eyes. This stage nevertheless signifies a taste of freedom, albeit imaginary. In the student's head, he imagines himself as Andy Defresne in The Shawshank Redemption, crawling through the dirty sewers.

Stage Three: Contemplation

In Stage Three, the student begins to seriously consider jumping ship. He often thinks to himself, "Wait, why can't I leave?" The student will then consider all the positives and negatives, often taking into account how many days of the class he has previously missed, and whether he can walk out the back of the class (as opposed to having to walk past the professor). Another top consideration is whether there is another classmate who will give him their notes; if the student does not know many others in the class, he may opt against leaving for this reason. It is also said that women experience this stage longer than men.

Stage Four: The Decision

Undetectable by the common eye, the student masks his upcoming retreat with a serious face. He may pretend to be fervently studying his notes while he inwardly rejoices at his sudden decision. Studies show that the heartbeart actually quickens during this stage. The student is now aware that he must be serious if he is to successfully escape. He may imagine Morgan Freeman providing a narration.

Stage Five: The Walking Out

This stage has the most physical action. Common sightings include the student closing his textbook quietly, gathering up his belongings discreetly, and perhaps dragging his cell phone out of his pocket to make it look as though a sudden, important phone call has forced him to get up. The student may also delay his departure until the professor has his back turned to the class. When out of the class, the student is free to smile and may call or text his buddies about his good news, perhaps using phrases such as "so boring," "was about to slit my wrists," or "who gives a fuck about Thomas Jefferson anyhow." This stage, however, sometimes comes with guilt and/or uneasiness regarding the following day of class, returning him to Stage One.